


I Know

by bracelitperson



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Actually Deals With Feelings, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Loves Chick-Flick Moments, Dean Winchester is a emotional alcoholic bi disaster, Dean and Cas fuck on the map table, Guilty Dean Winchester, Hand Jobs, Independent Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Minor Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Porn with Feelings, Post-Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Soft Dean Winchester, THEY FINALLY TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS!, excuse the lack of good brother sam in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:54:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21913252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bracelitperson/pseuds/bracelitperson
Summary: Dean Winchester realizes he doesn’t need Castiel, but he wants him.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 89





	I Know

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhh angsty deancas anyone?

Dean huffed as he sat on one of the many chairs that circled the map table. He popped the cap on his 3rd beer and drowned it. 

The liquor missed his mouth a couple of times. He didn’t really care. By his 5th, he was so ready to just pray to him.  His angel.  Not so much his anymore. He did it again. He pushed him away. Again. He knows it hurt him. 

The way Cas’s face fell when he said it was his fault.  _ Why does that something always seem to be you?  _ Something about how it’s better if he’s away from Dean. Drunk Dean doesn’t really understand that logic, so he closes his eyes and puts his 7th beer down. 

_ Cas... I’m so sorry... please come home. I didn’t mean it. Any of it. I was wrong. I’m an idiot. Please... _

He passes out with a smashed beer bottle on the ground and his tears drying on his face. 

——

Sam doesn’t know. He thinks Cas is just somewhere else. That Dean didn’t... do what he did. He thinks he’s just done with God and everything else. Eileen is back anyway and Sam is so happy. Which makes Dean feel better and so much worse. He remembers how close they were when she was alive and they seem to be getting closer. Dean missed her too. It finally seems like a win. But Dean can’t help feeling it would be better with his angel.

Every night he drinks more and more. He knows it’s not healthy. All the binge eating and drinking. But it’s the only way he knows how to cope. Other than hunting, but he wanted to give Sam a break. Dean smiled and waved bye when Sam and Eileen left for the first date. He hasn’t seen Sam like that since Jessica. It makes him feel a little better.  _ At least someone’s happy. Pity party time! _

——

He hasn’t started drinking yet, but he was on his second tub of Häagen-Dazs. He licked the rest of the Coffee ice cream off his spoon and put it back in the container. It’s only getting worse. He’s probably going to die from liver damage before Cas comes back on his own. Dean really fucked up this time and it’s his job to fix it. He sighed heavily before closing his eyes and putting his hands together. 

_ Cas... Castiel. I know I’ve really only prayed when I was drunk. But I’m not now. Not that I didn’t mean any of it. Because I did. I’m sorry. I could say it a million times and it wouldn’t show how sorry I am. I can’t keep excusing myself for ruining my relationships. I ruin everything and... Cas, I know it wasn’t your fault. Mary, Jack, Rowena. None of that was you. I just needed someone to blame. I know that isn’t an excuse. I’m not trying to excuse myself... You’re probably way happier away from me anyway, but I need to fucking say it. I love you, Cas. So much. The minute you gripped me tight a raised me from perdition. The handprint. The I need you’s. The goddamn mixtape. I love you.  _

Dean breathed in and wiped the tears flowing from his eyes. He peaked around the room and frowned. Then he remembered.  _ My powers are failing and I’ve tried to talk to you.  _ Oh, shit.

——

Castiel was on his way home. If he can even call that home. He’s received every single one of Dean Winchester’s prayers. The I love you’s and I’m sorry’s. He can’t believe Dean said it. Dean Winchester said I love you. To him. He knew he couldn’t stay away from Dean for long anyway. He finished the case he was working on and hightailed to the bunker. Hopefully for the last time.

——

Dean snored loudly and woke up to the ice cream dripping all over the map table. He sighed heavily before chucking it in the trash can and sitting down again. He put his head in his hands and tried not to cry. Sam and Eileen will probably be home soon anyway. Right on cue, the door opens and he plasters a smile on his face. 

“Hey! How’d the date go-“ He stops when he looks up and sees Castiel standing right in front of him.  Cas. Castiel half-smiles at him and Dean runs at him, attacking him with a hug. Cas makes a _hmph_ sound and wraps his arms tight around Dean. They stay like that for a little longer than necessary and when they pull back, Dean has watery eyes and an even watery smile. His arms still clutching to Cas’s, Dean sighs and whispers, 

“Cas...” Like a prayer. 

“Dean,” Cas pauses before breathing in, “We need to talk.” Dean’s smile falters and he stand up straighter. He nods and brings Cas to sit down. They don’t talk for a couple of minutes before they both start at the same time.

“Cas-“

“Dean-“ Dean chuckles empty-sounding and nods at Cas.

“You first.” Cas takes in a breath and Dean frowns. 

“Dean, you’re an asshole.” Dean opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. 

“I’ve tried talking to you over and over again and you never listen! You’re not the only one with problems. We all lost Mary and Jack and Rowena. Mary was my friend. Jack was my son. I had to burn Belphagor out of my son’s body, Dean! But it was all about you and your anger! You know how long you’ve been alive? 40 years! And you still behave like a child! I know how much free will means to you, but we didn’t lose it, Dean. It’s still here. Remember all those years ago, you told me that people were real and saving them meant something. Well, it still does. I meant what I said. We’re real. You and Sam and me... us.” Cas takes a big gulp of air and looks back over at Dean. Dean swallows and looks up at Cas, his tears glistening from the bunker’s fluorescent lights.

“Cas... I’m sorry. For everything. For not listening to you. For making you go to hell with him in the first place. I’m not sorry for being mad, but I’m sorry that I took it all out on you. I know Mary and Rowena weren’t you’re fault. They were never your fault. I’m sorry about Jack. I just needed someone to take it on and I know that’s no excuse and I don’t deserve you. I just need you to know...” He pauses to wipe the overwhelming flow of tears falling down his face and breathes in, “I love you. I know it took me years to say it, but I need you to know.” Dean tries to slow his erratic breathing, but he can’t. Not with Cas sitting right in front of him, trench coat and all, smiling. A smile that actually spreads to his eyes. Cas sighs and grabs Dean’s hand in his. 

“I love you too, Dean.” He stops looking at Cas’s lips to look into his starry blue eyes and his watery smile grows bigger. 

“But,” Dean’s smile falters quickly, “you broke my heart, Dean. So many times. Sorry isn’t going to fix it. Not this time.”

Dean smiles at him brokenly anyway and grasps his hand fiercer. 

“I know, Cas. But you’ll stay?” Castiel looks down at their hands and half-smiles. 

“I’ll stay.” Dean launches at him for another hug and Cas accepts it again. It’s shorter than last time and Dean has somehow managed to push his chair as close to Cas’s as possible. When they pull apart, they aren’t but a couple of inches from each other. Dean looks down at his lips and doesn’t hesitate. 

Cas freezes when Dean’s lips connect with his and Dean stops for a second before Cas kisses him back. It’s slow and sweet and Dean thinks he might just die. Dean kisses back fiercely, pushing Cas to sit upon the table. He wraps Cas’s legs around his waist and puts his tongue in his mouth. Dean’s hands drag down Cas’s sides and starts to unbutton his shirt. Cas tangles his hands in Dean’s hair. Dean whimpers into Cas’s mouth when he pulls his hair a little harder.

Dean abandons Cas’s unbuttoned shirt and shoves the infamous trench coat and suit jacket off. The clicking of a belt being unbuckled and the heavy breathing is all that can be heard in the silence of the bunker. Dean throws Cas’s belt on a nearby chair and drops to his knees. 

“Dean?” Cas gives him his puzzled look and Dean melts from the look alone. It clicks and Castiel grabs his wrists to stop him from removing his pants. 

“Dean, you don’t have to-“ 

“Cas... please.” He looks up at him and he sees the pleading in Dean’s eyes. He needs to do something for Cas that’s even a little good for him. So Cas nods and Dean unbuttons and slowly unzips his pants. Dean breathes out slowly before wrapping his hand around Cas’s base. Cas moans lowly in his throat as Dean strokes him slowly before wrapping his lips around the head. He sucks slowly before dropping down, stopping at his hand. 

He drags his teeth against a vein as he comes back up, tongue swirling around the head. Cas’ hands grabbed tightly onto Dean’s hair, his moan vibrating through Cas. Dean went down harder, letting Cas hit the back of his throat, tears prickling his eyes. Cas groans above him, trying not to rip his hair out of his scalp. Dean swallows around him and Cas moans loudly, accidentally shoving Dean further onto his cock. Dean lets Cas control it, dragging his tongue around him as much as can. Cas’ grip almost goes slack when he realizes how rough he’s being, petting Dean’s head affectionately instead and letting Dean take control again.

Dean goes as far as he can, tonguing at the silt as he comes back up. Cas grips his hair again in warning and Dean just does it again. Cas moans loudly as he comes down Dean’s throat. Dean sucks him through the aftershocks and swallows. Coming up, saliva attaching him to Cas’s cock, lips bruised and eyes wrecked. Cas brings him up in a kiss, tasting himself on his tongue. He grabs at Dean’s belt, unbuckling it as he kisses him into oblivion. Dean just leans into his touch as he reaches into his boxers and starts to stroke him.

He falls into Cas’ neck, moaning and kissing into his neck as he strokes him. Dean grunts heavily as Cas jerks his wrist, and comes all over his angel’s hand. Dean smiles against his neck and kisses it one more time before coming up. He takes Cas’ hand and rubs iton his t-shirt before climbing beside Cas on the table and laying them down, hands wrapped around each other’s as they lay exhausted. Dean turns his head towards him, with a twinkle-eyed smile and Cas returns it, blue eyes crinkling in the corners. Cas rubs a thumb over Dean’s palm. 

“This doesn’t mean I forgive you.” Dean pulls him closer, tears edging at his eyes. Their noses touching and lips brushing, Dean gives him a small smile. A hopeful smile.

“I know.”


End file.
